If you’re wondering whether your parent might be narcissistic, know that you’re not alone. Many of us struggle with this complex issue, seeking clarity and validation for our experiences. It can be an extremely painful and confusing journey. However, remember that healing is possible. In this article, I’ll share 10 toxic traits of narcissistic parents and discuss how these traits can impact you. My aim is to provide insight and support as you navigate through this painful experience.
Lack of Empathy: Narcissistic parents have little to no empathy and cannot understand their children’s emotions and needs. They often become irritated when their children express themselves, viewing their needs as inconvenient. They might shame, ridicule, or become angry at their children for voicing their needs. This can send the message to their children that their needs are a burden on their parents. If your parent was a narcissist, you may have learnt to suppress your needs to avoid upsetting them which then became your conditioning.
Extreme selfishness : Narcissists are extremely selfish by nature. They prioritize their own needs above everyone else’s, even their children’s. They frequently neglect their kids and will stop at nothing to fulfill their desires, regardless of how it affects their children emotionally. They see this emotional harm as collateral damage, but for malignant narcissists—causing pain, even to their own children, brings them sadistic joy. Your narcissistic parent might have expected you to make sacrifices for them even as a child and in the present, believing that it is your duty to make sacrifices for them.
Manipulative Behavior: They might use emotional manipulation, guilt-tripping, blackmail, or gaslighting to control their children. Whenever you try to set boundaries or refuse to neglect yourself to please them, they might use the above tactics on you. If you often feel guilt, shame, or self-blame because of your parents, it’s important to get curious about the origin of these feelings.
Entitlement: They believe they are inherently superior and entitled to special treatment, often expecting their children to fulfill their needs and desires. Narcissistic parents view their children as extensions of themselves, existing solely to serve them. They fail to recognize their children as individuals with their own needs and desires. If you try to assert your independence as an adult, they may use manipulation, drama, and shaming to pressure you into serving them and neglecting yourself.
Excessive Need for Control: They micromanage their children’s lives, even when they’re adults, making minor or even major life decisions for their adult children without considering what they want. These choices often serve their own selfish needs and can hurt the adult child’s well-being. They may justify their control by claiming it’s for your own good or out of concern, but this is just another tactic to manipulate and deceive you.
Ignore Boundaries: They disregard personal boundaries and view them as a challenge or insult. Believing they are entitled, narcissists feel boundaries shouldn’t apply to them. Boundaries also hinder their ability to exert control over others, including their own children. You may find them using various tactics to breach your boundaries, from outright ignoring them to covertly crossing them and then acting like they forgot.
Inconsistent Parenting: While they are mostly overly critical of their children (even for expressing themselves) or completely neglectful, they might occasionally act kind when their expectations are met or when they get their daily supply from elsewhere. This inconsistency creates confusion and keeps the child on an emotional rollercoaster, leading to a strong trauma bond. In contrast, a healthy parent is consistent in their behavior towards the child, providing an emotional safe space and support whenever needed.
Lack of Accountability: They refuse to take responsibility for their actions and never admit when they are wrong. Narcissists often use tactics like blame-shifting, gaslighting, guilt-tripping, stonewalling, word salad, or anger to avoid accepting blame. When you try to tell them how they have wronged or hurt you, you may feel frustrated because they don’t seem to understand. In reality, they intentionally feign ignorance to keep you engaged, seeking narcissistic supply from your attention.
Assign Roles: They will often assign roles to their children like scapegoat (who gets blamed), Golden child (who is the favored child), caretaker (the parentified child), peacekeeper, invisible child (who is ignored) etc. If the children deviate from their roles they are forced back into the roles using different manipulative tactics by the parent.
Distorted Love: Their twisted version of love is often just mistreatment disguised as love, where they condition their affection on their children meeting expectations. If expectations aren’t met, children may face shame, blame, guilt-tripping, silent treatment, or even verbal or physical abuse. This deprives children of experiencing true, unconditional love, causing them to confuse mistreatment with genuine love even in future relationships. You might truly believe that your parents act in toxic ways because they’re unaware of their behavior and think they love you in their own ‘special’ way. But remember, this is self-gaslighting and not the reality as you desperately want to believe that they are innocent and capable of change.
Coming to terms with the realization that your parent is narcissistic and they are unlikely to change can be incredibly challenging. It’s important to recognize how it has affected your emotions and mental health. Setting boundaries to protect yourself from ongoing hurt and distancing yourself from their toxic behavior is important. Working with a professional who understands narcissistic parent dynamics can prove highly beneficial. Remember, focusing on your own well-being isn’t selfish even if your parents say it is—it’s necessary for a happier life. Taking these steps shows bravery and commitment to your own happiness.
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- Woman being manipluated: Image by Storyset designed via Freepik