If you’ve just figured out your parent is a narcissist, you might be questioning if they really love you, or if they ever did. Sadly, narcissistic traits like lack of empathy and extreme selfishness mean they’re incapable of genuine love, even for their own kids. Researchers have found that people with narcissistic personality disorder have less gray matter in a part of the brain linked to empathy, which explains why they can’t show compassion to others [1].
It’s incredibly painful to accept that your parent can’t truly love you, so you might gaslight yourself into believing they do love you in their own ‘special’ way. But it’s important to recognize this so-called love is just disguised abuse. Believing otherwise might lead you to endure more mistreatment under the guise of love and even repeat the pattern in future relationships. Remember, someone who truly loves you will never hurt, neglect, or deceive you. They will not use you to fulfill their selfish motives, and then deny accountability when confronted.
Another thing narcissistic parents do is feign ignorance when you decide to set boundaries or try to hold them accountable. They make you believe they are unaware of the harm they cause, portraying it as unintentional. This is again a manipulative tactic to trick you into keeping on trying to repair the relationship. Watching you desperately try to mend the relationship, fail, and get frustrated gives them satisfaction known as narcissistic supply.
Since narcissism exists on a continuum, those on the lower end might exhibit fewer traits, but even then, empathy is often lacking. These individuals may be able to feel some empathy but not enough to care about how they hurt others including their children. On the higher end of the spectrum is malignant narcissism, which borders on psychopathy. [2] Here, the absence of empathy is coupled with sadism—these individuals derive pleasure from causing pain and hurting others. Malignant narcissism highlights the severity of narcissistic traits and can be seen in both overt and covert narcissists. Parents who are malignant narcissists not only have more severe traits but also find satisfaction in tormenting those around them, including their own kids. They find a twisted pleasure in keeping you anxious, stressed, and hurting.
Narcissistic parents may also display occasional acts of love and kindness towards their children. These displays are not genuine expressions of love; instead, they are calculated tactics to keep you on an emotional rollercoaster. This strategy creates a powerful trauma bond that makes it hard for you to leave. You may also feel overly grateful for this small amount of kindness and become fixated on it, leading you to ignore the ongoing abuse. This is also done to lower your expectation of how you can be treated which might then start showing in your other relationships.
If you find yourself desperately trying to have your n-parents reciprocate the love you feel for them, remember Al-Anon’s 3 C’s [3]:
- You didn’t cause their narcissism. Their abusive behavior existed before you were even born.
- You can’t control their abusive behavior, no matter how hard you try.
- You can’t cure or change them. Narcissists have no desire to change; they find pleasure in their actions.
Recognizing this truth is crucial. You desire change, but they don’t. Therefore, the change must come from you: letting go of old patterns, refusing to accept abuse under the guise of love, and moving toward healthier relationships.
Educating yourself about narcissism is key to breaking free from this cycle of abuse. Shift your focus from your parents to yourself. Establishing boundaries to distance yourself from ongoing abuse is essential for your healing journey.
References:
- Pederson. T, July 2013, Narcissists’ Lack of Empathy Tied to Less Gray Matter, https://psychcentral.com/news/2013/07/06/narcissists-lack-of-empathy-tied-to-less-gray-matter#1
- Caligor, E., Levy, K. N., & Yeomans, F. E. (2015). Narcissistic personality disorder: Diagnostic and clinical challenges. American Journal of Psychiatry, 172(5), 415-422.
- Al-Anon Family groups, n.d, Al‑Anon’s Three Cs – I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it – removed the blame, https://al-anon.org/blog/al-anons-three-cs/
image sources
- girl chasing love: NoName_13 via Pixabay