Part 2: “No Contact with Narcissistic Parents: What to Expect and How to Prepare”

In Part 1 of this series, we explored the critical considerations for adult children of narcissists before making the difficult decision to go no contact with their parents. Now, we delve into what comes next once you’ve taken that step. Going no contact is not just about physically distancing yourself; it’s also a journey of emotional and psychological adjustment, both for yourself and in relation to your n-parents.

Establishing a no-contact boundary with narcissistic parents is likely to elicit a strong reaction from them and  other family members because they typically expect you to keep playing the role that your parents want you to play in the toxic family dynamic.

Here’s what typically unfolds and how you can deal with it:

Smear Campaigns and Judgment: Narcissistic parents refuse to accept any responsibility for your decision to go no-contact. They are unwilling to accept that your decision might be because of any wrongdoing on their part.They truly believe they are perfect. Even if they had intentionally mistreated you, they believed they were entitled to do so. Therefore, they may launch smear campaigns, painting themselves as victims and spreading false narratives about you. This can lead other family members and friends to unfairly judge you based on misinformation.

Strategy: Focus on maintaining your truth. Limit engagement with those who believe the smear campaigns. Surround yourself with supportive people who understand your decision.

Flying Monkeys: Expect your narcissistic parents to deploy allies, often referred to as “flying monkeys.” These individuals could be relatives, your parents’ friends, family friends, or even your own friends who have been misled with false information or who are toxic themselves. Expect them to engage on social media, visit your home, or contact you at work. They may offer unsolicited advice, relay messages from your parents, or gather information about you for them. 

Strategy: It’s crucial to establish firm boundaries and have pre-prepared ‘canned’ responses for flying monkeys as well. Clearly communicate that you do not wish to discuss your relationship with your parents. Avoid justifying or explaining your decision to these people. Most flying monkeys will likely back off once boundaries are set. Since they do not directly stand to gain from your contact with your n-parents, they are unlikely to put in too much effort.

Fake emergency scenarios: You can expect your narcissistic parents to stoop to new lows with every passing day of your no-contact boundary. They may fake illnesses or fabricate emergencies like accidents. You can also expect them to take advantage of true family emergencies related to other family members. For example, illness or death of another family member like a grandparent which they can use to guilt trip you so that you relinquish your boundary. Be ready to hear bizarre accusations like “Grandpa was distressed during his last days because you were not talking to me” or “ Grandma is ill and wants to speak to you. But you have to call me first if you wish to speak to her.” 

Strategy: Know these to be intentional attempts to manipulate your emotions to cause you pain and cloud your thinking so that you will feel guilty for setting a boundary and renounce it. Assess the situation carefully. Seek verification from trusted sources before reacting to any emergency claims. Firmly maintain your boundaries. Remember, you have a right to hold your boundaries and stay away from a toxic situation to protect yourself despite what others may think. Do not explain yourself to anyone and stand firm in your truth. 

Threats: Narcissistic parents may resort to threats as a tactic to regain control. These threats could include disinheritance, wishing misfortune upon you (e.g., “you will never succeed” or “you will never be happy”), further smear campaigns, or other forms of retaliation if their wishes are not obeyed.

Strategy: Understand that these threats are often empty or designed to provoke fear and guilt. For instance, there’s no assurance that they will fulfill their promise of inheritance if you return. Prioritize your own well-being and independence instead of being swayed by their attempts to manipulate you emotionally or materially.

Shaming, Guilt, and Ignoring Boundaries:  Narcissists inherently dislike the boundaries of others, especially when those boundaries prevent them from exerting control. They perceive themselves as entitled, believing your boundaries are unjust and do not apply to them. If you have left them any means to contact you in case of emergencies, they will exploit it to continue their abusive behavior. You can expect hurtful voicemails (from a different number if you’ve blocked them), emails from new accounts, fake social media accounts, letters, or even sending gifts and cards to your children.

You might receive guilting messages like, such as “What happened to you? You used to be so loving. You don’t care about us anymore. We’ve always tried to have a loving relationship with you. Why are you doing this to us?” These messages are sent not only to guilt you but also to shift blame on to you and feign ignorance about their deliberate mistreatment of you.

Additionally, these tactics are designed to bait you into explaining yourself, by making you believe that they genuinely do not understand the harm they’ve caused. However, it’s important to recognize that their behavior is a calculated tactic to maintain control and avoid accountability.

Strategy: Use technology to block communications where possible. You may have to change your contact information and not share with any family member who might share it with your parents. Resist the urge to respond emotionally to guilt-inducing messages. Maintain consistency in enforcing your boundaries. Remember your silence is your power. Do not take the bait.

Future Faking: Future faking is a commonly employed tactic by narcissists, including narcissistic parents. It involves feigning ignorance about their abusive behavior and expressing false hope for reconciliation. Expect messages such as, “Please let us know why you are doing this. We can sort it out and discuss it. Whatever concerns you have, we can resolve them and improve our relationship.” This is a trap designed to lure you back into attempting to repair the relationship.

If you engage in conversation with them, they are likely to employ tactics such as denying accountability, shifting blame onto you, creating chaos and drama, emotionally blackmailing, and guilt-tripping you. These maneuvers aim to maintain control and avoid taking responsibility for their actions, ultimately perpetuating the cycle of manipulation and abuse.

Love bombing and breadcrumbing: This tactic used by narcissistic parents is particularly difficult to resist. Since you are conditioned to ignore their abusive behavior and focus on small calculated doses of affection known as ‘breadcrumbs’. You may feel overly grateful for these crumbs of affection as being constantly mistreated has lowered your expectations. This tactic also contributes to trauma bonding.

As a part of this tactic, they may claim to miss you, express concern for your well-being, and shower you with gifts, cards, and letters. They might also offer a pseudo-apology like, “I tried my best. I’m sorry if it wasn’t enough. I may have made mistakes along the way.” This is not a genuine apology reflecting remorse for their abusive behavior; rather, it’s a tactic aimed at convincing you to drop your boundaries in the hope that they will change. 

They may deliberately send you gifts that are broken or flawed, prompting you to call them to discuss the issue. Alternatively, if you return the gifts, they might tell others that you deliberately broke them. These actions are designed to manipulate your emotions and maintain control over the relationship, perpetuating a cycle of manipulation and instability.

Strategy: Recognize these gestures as manipulative rather than genuine attempts at reconciliation. Stay grounded in your decision and focus on your own emotional healing.

In navigating these challenges, remember that your decision to go no-contact is about protecting yourself from ongoing harm. Seek support from trusted friends, professionals, or support groups who understand narcissistic abuse dynamics. Ultimately, focus your own well-being and emotional health above attempts by others to undermine your boundaries.